April 12, 2018


At Whitehall (No 70), a COBRA meeting is in session....


(sounds of a trolley being trundled)


PM: Ah, tea...shall I be mother?


BRANDON LEWIS (Minister without Portfolio): Ooh, let me, Prime Minister, it'll give me something to do.


(sounds of tea being poured)


PM: Now, then, what about the biscuits?


GAVIN WILLIAMSON  (Secretary of State for Defence): They're ready to be deployed, Prime Minister. Coordinates have been uploaded. RAF Akrotiri is on standby (wink, wink).


PM: No, I meant the plate of biscuits. They were here earlier. I saw them.


JEREMY HUNT (Secretary of State for Health and Social Care): Found them! They were under the Trump Dossier.


PM: Splendid. Ginger Nut?


BORIS JOHNSON (Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs): Oh, yes, a complete dimwit.


CHRIS GRAYLING (Secretary of State for transport): Any chance of a chocolate digestive? 


(sounds of munching)


MICHAEL GOVE (Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs): Oops, sorry, just ate the last one. 


ESTHER McVEY (Secretary of State for Work and Pensions): Bloody typical.


PM: We're moving off track. What about Putin?


MATT HANCOCK (Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport): Well, it's coming along, Prime Minister. It's all in the grip.


DAMIEN HINDS (Secretary of State for Education): Not putting, you idiot! Put - 


GAVIN WILLIAMSON: We thought we'd go the cyber route. We've hacked his accounts to Netflix, Pornhub and John Lewis, so that should bugger up his weekend.


PM: Excellent. It's a start; keep me posted. Are you sure this is Earl Grey?  It tastes a bit funny...


(sounds of person gasping for breath)


BORIS JOHNSON: Stop that tea lady! Don't let her get away..! 


(sounds of a violent scuffle)


NAMELESS FEMALE VOICE (heavily accented): Long live Mother Russia!


To be continued...

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