Meanwhile...

April 12, 2018

 

At Whitehall (No 70), a COBRA meeting is in session....

 

(sounds of a trolley being trundled)

 

PM: Ah, tea...shall I be mother?

 

BRANDON LEWIS (Minister without Portfolio): Ooh, let me, Prime Minister, it'll give me something to do.

 

(sounds of tea being poured)

 

PM: Now, then, what about the biscuits?

 

GAVIN WILLIAMSON  (Secretary of State for Defence): They're ready to be deployed, Prime Minister. Coordinates have been uploaded. RAF Akrotiri is on standby (wink, wink).

 

PM: No, I meant the plate of biscuits. They were here earlier. I saw them.

 

JEREMY HUNT (Secretary of State for Health and Social Care): Found them! They were under the Trump Dossier.

 

PM: Splendid. Ginger Nut?

 

BORIS JOHNSON (Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs): Oh, yes, a complete dimwit.

 

CHRIS GRAYLING (Secretary of State for transport): Any chance of a chocolate digestive? 

 

(sounds of munching)

 

MICHAEL GOVE (Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs): Oops, sorry, just ate the last one. 

 

ESTHER McVEY (Secretary of State for Work and Pensions): Bloody typical.

 

PM: We're moving off track. What about Putin?

 

MATT HANCOCK (Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport): Well, it's coming along, Prime Minister. It's all in the grip.

 

DAMIEN HINDS (Secretary of State for Education): Not putting, you idiot! Put - 

 

GAVIN WILLIAMSON: We thought we'd go the cyber route. We've hacked his accounts to Netflix, Pornhub and John Lewis, so that should bugger up his weekend.

 

PM: Excellent. It's a start; keep me posted. Are you sure this is Earl Grey?  It tastes a bit funny...

 

(sounds of person gasping for breath)

 

BORIS JOHNSON: Stop that tea lady! Don't let her get away..! 

 

(sounds of a violent scuffle)

 

NAMELESS FEMALE VOICE (heavily accented): Long live Mother Russia!

 

To be continued...
 

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