At Whitehall (No 70), a COBRA meeting is in session....

(sounds of a trolley being trundled)

PM: Ah, tea...shall I be mother?

BRANDON LEWIS (Minister without Portfolio): Ooh, let me, Prime Minister, it'll give me something to do.

(sounds of tea being poured)

PM: Now, then, what about the biscuits?

GAVIN WILLIAMSON (Secretary of State for Defence): They're ready to be deployed, Prime Minister. Coordinates have been uploaded. RAF Akrotiri is on standby (wink, wink).

PM: No, I meant the plate of biscuits. They were here earlier. I saw them.

JEREMY HUNT (Secretary of State for Health and Social Care): Found them! They were under the Trump Dossier.

PM: Splendid. Ginger Nut?

BORIS JOHNSON (Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs): Oh, yes, a complete dimwit.

CHRIS GRAYLING (Secretary of State for transport): Any chance of a chocolate digestive?

(sounds of munching)

MICHAEL GOVE (Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs): Oops, sorry, just ate the last one.

ESTHER McVEY (Secretary of State for Work and Pensions): Bloody typical.

PM: We're moving off track. What about Putin?

MATT HANCOCK (Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport): Well, it's coming along, Prime Minister. It's all in the grip.

DAMIEN HINDS (Secretary of State for Education): Not putting, you idiot! Put -

GAVIN WILLIAMSON: We thought we'd go the cyber route. We've hacked his accounts to Netflix, Pornhub and John Lewis, so that should bugger up his weekend.

PM: Excellent. It's a start; keep me posted. Are you sure this is Earl Grey? It tastes a bit funny...

(sounds of person gasping for breath)

BORIS JOHNSON: Stop that tea lady! Don't let her get away..!

(sounds of a violent scuffle)

NAMELESS FEMALE VOICE (heavily accented): Long live Mother Russia!

To be continued...